Mediation can be a challenging process ~ and this is particularly true of Family Mediation, where feelings are often frayed, and there is little trust to speak of. Separation frequently brings the most raw of emotions to the surface, and tempers have a tendency to flare when difficult subjects need to be addressed.

Family Mediation is a process during which conversations about challenging subjects are encouraged and importantly, in this context, they take place in a moderated, structured setting that permits a respectful dialogue, giving each side an opportunity to say their piece. Whether a mediation takes place in a single session or over the course of multiple meetings, the process can be draining and sometimes it may feel like no progress at all is being made.

As a starting point for our discussion, here is the definition of “fair” as an adjective - from the Oxford Languages Dictionary - “impartial and just, without favouritism or discrimination.”

When I mediate, in fact in my early screening meetings, I am often assured by the person I am speaking with that they “only want to be fair”. Sometimes, the comment is made in a pleading way, with a measure of frustration that efforts made so far to settle have brought no results. Why is that the case, the person asks - after all, what I am proposing is nothing other than “fair”.

Imagine that you chose family mediation to resolve your outstanding separation-related issues and that your efforts were successful. You managed to do this either in a single, longer mediation session or in a series of meetings during which the outstanding issues were addressed, one by one. What happens now?

The answer depends on a number of factors. The first question to consider is whether lawyers are involved. Let's treat this as our first scenario. Generally speaking, when the parties have lawyers who actually participate in the mediation session(s), they work with the mediator on crafting a document which the parties will sign before the sessions end, and which will represent a binding agreement between them as to the outstanding issues.

Let’s set the scene: you have 4 hours set aside with a family mediator. You and your ex have had a bad, bad breakup with lots of acrimony, anger and mistrust. In two weeks, you will be going to trial - an expensive and emotionally exhausting process that will polarize you and your ex, parents of two children, even further. The mediator has rolled up her sleeves and is ready to help you both walk through the door of settlement. The parties and their lawyers are sitting at the negotiating table (in person or virtually) - what next? Someone needs to make the first offer. Is that you?

The title of this post is somewhat tongue-in-cheek but I'm trying to convey an essential message: time seems to go by faster when you are mediating, and that can mean added stress.

When you attend family mediation with a lawyer, the sessions are generally either half-day or a full-day. This means that the mediator has that amount of time set aside to try and assist with settlement. The parties, their lawyers and the mediator interact during this period of time, focussing on the issues, and the possibility of finalizing them through dialogue and negotiation….

When we receive mediation-related calls into the office, Carolyn, who fields all such calls, is often asked the question posed in the title. It is difficult to answer it on the spot because the response depends on a number of factors: - some of which are within your control and some of which are not. Imagine getting into a cab and asking the driver how long the ride will take without telling him or her where you are going and without knowing whether there is any traffic along the way or road construction, for example.

The question in the title of this post is a common one, and there is still a lot of confusion in the public sphere about the difference between these two modalities of family dispute resolution (also known as FDR).

PC (parenting coordination or parenting coordinator) and PM (parenting mediation or parenting mediator) are similar in some respects but materially different in others. When you are searching for a professional to assist you in dealing with parenting issues arising out of a separation, it is important to understand the difference between these two modalities so you can target your search to the right individual and the right process.

When you come to family mediation you will hopefully have your family law lawyer at your side, either virtually or in person. The other party will be there as well, as will their lawyer and of course, the dialogue will proceed with the assistance of a family mediator.

In advance of the mediation session you may think to yourself: “I will just let things play out as they must and because I was told by my lawyer that no one can force me to settle, I will play it by ear and see what happens. I can make decisions on the spot if I need to, and walk away if I want to. “

Family mediation can address a variety of issues arising out of a separation. This includes “finances” and here, the reference can mean support, as in child and spousal support, or assets and debts (and how to address them once separation takes place). When you come to a family mediator to talk about any of these topics, you need to come prepared for the dialogue. More than that, you need to give the mediator tools with which to try and resolve the dispute. Let’s consider these tools in more detail.

You are separated, emotionally frayed, scared about the future, fearing the unknown and disappointed at the end of what promised to be a life-long relationship. Now the other party is proposing family mediation. You can’t even wrap your mind around the idea of tomorrow, never mind preparing to have a dialogue with your ex about all of the issues that come with separation. That conversation will be painful and difficult. You are feeling overwhelmed. So should you give up on the idea?

Separated couples often have difficulty communicating effectively. Reasons for this state of affairs are many but include the fact that often strong emotions like anger, disappointment, mistrust and even hopes for vengeance spill into the couple’s dealings with one another. Separated parents can also find communication challenging and this time, their difficulties in this area can truly impact how they parent and whether their children’s needs are actually being met.

I am asked this question quite often, and not surprisingly so. Many people are simply not sure about the role of lawyers in family mediation and given the associated cost, they are curious whether they need a lawyer at all.

I am often asked about the benefits of family mediation, as compared with other methods of resolving family disputes. There are many, and I discuss them frequently with my clients, members of the public and colleagues. A fellow mediator reminded me the other day of an important benefit of this process ~ one we don’t speak of or write about enough - privacy!

Let’s face ~ at the end of a relationship, whether married or common-law, many couples find themselves in debt - with loans from institutions like banks and credit unions, but also from family and friends. “What happens to these loans on separation?” is a question I am asked a lot, both as a family mediator and family law lawyer. The answer is (yes, you guessed it!!) - it depends.

How a mediation unfolds, in other words how it happens in practical terms, depends on a whole host of factors including the level of conflict/tension between the mediating parties. These days, many mediations are conducted virtually (and I offer that option too) ~ the parties and the mediator connect through their devices using platforms like Zoom. The comments about caucusing that follow are relevant to both mediations taking place in physical premises and those that are virtual.

A separated couple (whether married or common-law) can choose to address in Family Mediation only select and very specific issues ~ those on which they cannot agree through direct dialogue.

I screen all individuals who contact MettāMEDIATION and express an interest in engaging me as their family mediator. From my perspective, screening for power imbalance is an indispensable and very necessary part of the mediation process.

Family Mediation can be a difficult and emotional process. After all, it usually arises out of a separation and in those circumstances, emotions are often at the surface, particularly when one side feels aggrieved and left behind.

When two people argue, each is very focused on getting their position heard, often in a loud voice, hands waving. The equivalent of a loud argument in the world of email or text are messages sent in capital letters. Focusing only on getting one’s point across means that one is mostly “transmitting” as opposed to “receiving”.

When parents first separate, their emotions often run so high that one, or perhaps even both of them, cannot imagine having a dialogue with the other - about anything, let alone their children.

When parents initially learn about family mediation as an option for resolving their dispute, they are often openly and vocally doubtful about the possibility of success. I often hear from parents: “We don't agree on anything, absolutely nothing, so mediation will be a waste of time”.