As a starting point for our discussion, here is the definition of “fair” as an adjective - from the Oxford Languages Dictionary - “impartial and just, without favouritism or discrimination.”

When I mediate, in fact in my early screening meetings, I am often assured by the person I am speaking with that they “only want to be fair”. Sometimes, the comment is made in a pleading way, with a measure of frustration that efforts made so far to settle have brought no results. Why is that the case, the person asks - after all, what I am proposing is nothing other than “fair”.

Let’s set the scene: you have 4 hours set aside with a family mediator. You and your ex have had a bad, bad breakup with lots of acrimony, anger and mistrust. In two weeks, you will be going to trial - an expensive and emotionally exhausting process that will polarize you and your ex, parents of two children, even further. The mediator has rolled up her sleeves and is ready to help you both walk through the door of settlement. The parties and their lawyers are sitting at the negotiating table (in person or virtually) - what next? Someone needs to make the first offer. Is that you?